Monday, September 20, 2010


JSH: The real hard part

I find it hard to believe that Usenet matters in terms of what I see as the politics of this saga. I DO use Usenet as I describe to work through problems where a lot of the time for me it's mostly just stating the problem, and proposed solutions, where I don't necessarily need a lot of feedback, but don't mind if someone shoots down my ideas.

All that's easy. What's hard is adjusting to the role. I should put that as The Role. And it is maybe a little comforting to get that disdain from Usenet posters who see me as just some oddball, crackpot and I find their confidence so amazingly bizarre. For such people the world is a simple place and some guy ranting on Usenet about his mathematical discoveries can't really be important.

But I have a world that seems to increasingly listen to me, and a role that requires extraordinary responsibility as I try to grow into it, so I'm posting more about that lately than anything else, if you read between the lines.

But it is so much to adjust to accepting. My world has become simpler in terms of what I think I understand and surreal in terms of what I find difficult to comprehend as I shift from where I came and how I grew up into something I never knew, but only imagined as best I could growing up—yet still, had no clue.

I know things I don't know how I know them. The future sometimes seems like this book already written where I can scan the pages and then seems like this dark and hidden scary thing, to be feared. Possibilities run through my mind on every angle, and I can't seem to nail them down. But when I think I know something, and wish to test it, too often it just seems to happen and I don't really know why.

There is no way if I am who I say I am that there aren't quite a few nations where their leaders know exactly who I am.

For some of them I'm a dream come true, a way that the US is humbled in ways it doesn't yet comprehend. To others I'm a scary potential nightmare, a great unknown whose real powers are a mystery. And maybe to some of them I'm just a guy trying to figure out how he got in this really strange situation.

So no, I don't need Usenet to be known. I don't need the United States. If my research is what I say it is, then there are plenty of people in nations around the world who have known for years. If it's not, then I'm just some crackpot with one more rant, bound to be more down the line. Doesn't matter.

Adjusting to the role means learning to be more than I ever thought I could be, and believing it. Believing first in the mathematics and then that there must be some reason I found it. That it was given to me. Given to me for a purpose bigger than I am for a world that has far greater places to reach, ahead of it.

The role for which I have to be prepared is one that is iconic for an iconoclast. Mainstream for an outlier. Safe for a dreamer. But as concrete as a world requires.

If you've ever been afraid of public speaking, imagine what I face. My audience will be in the billions.

And if I stand in front of that audience, there will be no time then, for stage fright.

So everything before, is practice.

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