Sunday, May 07, 2006


JSH: Like being constipated

Over the years I've come up with a lot of rationalizations to explain why I spend as much time as I do fiddling with various mathematical ideas, and thinking back now, I think they were all wrong and I just can't help it.

I don't consider myself to be a mathematician. I don't want to be a mathematician.

But I find myself thinking on these mathematical ideas and being compelled to talk about them.

I don't want to carefully study previous mathematical research--unless I just must for some particular idea--get a degree in mathematics, or become a part of math society as in, like, hanging out with mathematicians.

If you hadn't noticed, I don't like mathematicians.

To me one of the more annoying aspects of this entire thing is that I am on USENET where I should be able to talk math. I do at times push for people to critique my ideas, and demand attention for them, but that's part of this entire thing that I don't fully understand.

Regardless of my antagonistic behavior, reality is, you can still ignore me.

I find myself in idle moments wondering about math stuff, trying to figure this or that out, and then talking about it, likesome freaking compulsion.

It's like being constipated, until you get some other idea out, and then I feel a little better.

I HATE some of you because you feel compelled to obsessively track my postings and reply to me, when I don't see a use for you, but hey, maybe you're compelled as well.

Maybe we're all trapped in our obsessions playing out this stupid drama.

My obsession with playing with math ideas is not necessarily an unhealthy one.

It passes the time. Talking about my amateur research is not wrong. And when I think I have major results, my pushing them is not wrong either.

And there have been so many bizarre and wrong happenings from math society that those cannot be denied, like members of this forum managing to break the formal peer review process and that math journal dying.

My finding myself fiddling with math stuff is not a bad thing. My talking about my ideas is not a bad thing. My pushing when I see other people behaving wrongly is not a bad thing.

Creativity is not a bad thing. Brainstorming is not a bad thing.

But some of you are definitely not acting as if I am someone doing what is ok.

You obsess over my postings. You come after me in vicious ways, or go after my work.

There is something wrong with some of you people.

I admit my little puzzling issues, like being compelled to work at math stuff, and not even fully understanding why so that over the years I've come up with all kinds of reasons.

But why are some of you such nasty people who feel compelled to spew vicious insults, day, after day, after day, month, after month, after month, year after year?

What puts that kind of nasty stew into a human heart?

I get upset when people try to block me from my compulsion, or ignore my math results, even when they're wrong, until I find out, then I feel a need to find more, but some of you are just angry and nasty.

What are you in it for?

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